Since I live with my mother, I
have very few expenses to maintain. With no bills to pay and no major
responsibilities I have a pretty easygoing life. Yet as I inch closer to 25, I
am starting to realize that it is almost time for me to get my own place. As much as I would like to leave the nest, I
know financially I could not make it on my own without my mother. The expense
of living nowadays has made me doubt and wonder, “When will I ever move out”?
Or, “Will I be able to afford groceries or even keep up with my bills.” These
are things that worry me so much, but yet if I never take the chance to live
then how will I ever succeed. When it comes to leaving the nest it is a 50/50 outcome.
You may on one hand succeed and never go back to the nest, or fail and have to
move back in with your parents. For me personally I believe that you should be
financially stable first before making any major moves. When I decide to leave
the nest, I want to be absolutely sure. Yet for right now, the only expenses
that I maintain are my necessities and keeping gas in my car. Though I may want
to move out, I know that right now I am grateful. I can use this time to save
up my money so when I do decide to move, I have some money to start out with. At the end of the day my advice is, if your parents
are not rushing you to move out, then be grateful for the time that you have.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Thursday, January 22, 2015
M!nd5R!ddl3
I see you everyday with your mind set,
Pushing forward against the waves of life,
Persevering through those endless nights, don't you ever rest,
Do you really believe you'll accomplish those dreams,
And if you fail?
My fear holds no veil, mimicking frightened children who scream,
I am your worst critic, staring at the mirror, seeing you with demeanor focused....terrifies me.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Morning Glory
To rise like the sun in morning glory, is my dream,
To lay with peace at my times end, will be my farewell,
My soul will forever be in your memories,
Showing that I have hurt, but I also helped,
When your heart beat feared it would cease,
Words I spoke healed, like a loving mothers smile,
It means the world to me to see you happy, in life, just this little while.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Lies My Drunk Self Told Me
During the last week of 2014, my friends and I decided to stop drinking for 6 months to see what would happen. Its not that we are alcoholics, but we wanted to see if we could focus on other things. So as I sit here on a Friday night, I wrote down a list of lies my drunk self would of told me. All of these are truthful
Lies My Drunk Self Told Me
1.You are the best dancer here, keep it up!
2.Bachata anyone can learn that.
3.You are way to sober to do that, let me get another round.
4. Maybe if you text or call the girl you like she’ll appreciate it.
5. No fuck the maybe, she will love this
6. I am having the greatest time ever, let me get another beer.
7. Leave the tab open, you’re a baller
8. Flowers are tasty
9. Maybe if I have ice cream, I’ll be sober enough to function
10.Way to fool everyone your drunk.
11. You should be a comedian
12. You have musical talent
13. I can become a professional DJ, the DJ didn’t even let the beat drop
14. I can wake up and go hiking tomorrow at 8am
15. I haven’t had Dinner (You just came from having dinner)
16. Nobody saw me trip, they probably thought it was a cool dance move!
17. I won’t remember anything tomorrow.
18. This is the last time I drink this much
19. This will be worth the hangover
20. I wasn’t arguing with the taxi driver, I was just expressing my concerns.
21. Instagram pictures that way she gets jealous and people know I am having FUN!
22. So many haters out here.
23. She’s starring at me, looks like she wants to dance ;)
24. I am okay, I just need to eat
25. I am okay, I just need to wash my face in the restroom
26. Those restroom people at the club giving towels to dry my hands are cool.
27. Glowsticks make me even more awesome, I know what I am doing!
28. Twerking with your bro is totally acceptable, I mean we’ve been friends since the 6th grade.
29. Ain’t nobody fresher than my clique!
30. Big Sean wrote IDFWY after my recent heartache!
31 . I have the best signature when I am drunk.
Those are my 31 lies my drunk self told me, don't be afraid to share yours :)
Lies My Drunk Self Told Me
1.You are the best dancer here, keep it up!
2.Bachata anyone can learn that.
3.You are way to sober to do that, let me get another round.
4. Maybe if you text or call the girl you like she’ll appreciate it.
5. No fuck the maybe, she will love this
6. I am having the greatest time ever, let me get another beer.
7. Leave the tab open, you’re a baller
8. Flowers are tasty
9. Maybe if I have ice cream, I’ll be sober enough to function
10.Way to fool everyone your drunk.
11. You should be a comedian
12. You have musical talent
13. I can become a professional DJ, the DJ didn’t even let the beat drop
14. I can wake up and go hiking tomorrow at 8am
15. I haven’t had Dinner (You just came from having dinner)
16. Nobody saw me trip, they probably thought it was a cool dance move!
17. I won’t remember anything tomorrow.
18. This is the last time I drink this much
19. This will be worth the hangover
20. I wasn’t arguing with the taxi driver, I was just expressing my concerns.
21. Instagram pictures that way she gets jealous and people know I am having FUN!
22. So many haters out here.
23. She’s starring at me, looks like she wants to dance ;)
24. I am okay, I just need to eat
25. I am okay, I just need to wash my face in the restroom
26. Those restroom people at the club giving towels to dry my hands are cool.
27. Glowsticks make me even more awesome, I know what I am doing!
28. Twerking with your bro is totally acceptable, I mean we’ve been friends since the 6th grade.
29. Ain’t nobody fresher than my clique!
30. Big Sean wrote IDFWY after my recent heartache!
31 . I have the best signature when I am drunk.
Those are my 31 lies my drunk self told me, don't be afraid to share yours :)
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Pathos
I saw him today, as I have never seen him before.
He was aged and weary, as though all the vibrant life I once knew him for
Had been sucked clean from him.
He was hard to recognize;
Those eyes of his, once alive and argent,
Had all but lost their splendor.
And I was sure that had I checked him for a pulse,
I would not have found one.
He was a stranger now, although I swear I knew him once.
I may have even loved him then.
But what was once our verity was now lost.
Our affair was nowhere near salvageable,
And it was with a heavy heart that I realized this was so.
So there we were:
Face to face as we had never been,
Leastways not in some time.
And all I could think of was where we began.
The night was dark and crisp,
And I could feel that there was something in the air.
An electricity that rippled over my skin and left me burning;
A sensation that I didn't recognize, but one that I would come to love.
It lit a fire in my heart that ignited in me the desire to love you;
A blaze which burned with such intensity and such despondency that
I dare not snuff it out.
I was naive enough to wonder as to whether it was love or lust,
But intuitive enough to know the difference.
And I wasn't sure until he put his hands on me.
It was then that I was certain, as soon as I felt the world around me
melt away into nothingness,
A plethora of indistinguishable colors both dull and bright as they ran together.
It was in this world that I discovered myself,
Wrapped in the embrace of an individual who would prove otherworldly.
I spent what felt like years in the middle of a dream,
Swept up in a fantasy that my heart allowed my head to believe,
Although I'd always had my doubts.
But eventually, as all good things do, these colors faded,
And I was left in a blackness whose depths knew no end,
With nothing to do but wonder where I could have gone wrong.
And it all came down to this:
A final farewell betwixt two supposed lovers,
Where there would be naught but asperity left in their wake.
And still I waited,
In the hopes that there was something I could do.
I silently wished that there was something else.
Something lost between the lines,
Perhaps so infinitesimal that I had not yet caught it.
I would have searched your face, if I could see it still.
If only you would let me in.
He was aged and weary, as though all the vibrant life I once knew him for
Had been sucked clean from him.
He was hard to recognize;
Those eyes of his, once alive and argent,
Had all but lost their splendor.
And I was sure that had I checked him for a pulse,
I would not have found one.
He was a stranger now, although I swear I knew him once.
I may have even loved him then.
But what was once our verity was now lost.
Our affair was nowhere near salvageable,
And it was with a heavy heart that I realized this was so.
So there we were:
Face to face as we had never been,
Leastways not in some time.
And all I could think of was where we began.
The night was dark and crisp,
And I could feel that there was something in the air.
An electricity that rippled over my skin and left me burning;
A sensation that I didn't recognize, but one that I would come to love.
It lit a fire in my heart that ignited in me the desire to love you;
A blaze which burned with such intensity and such despondency that
I dare not snuff it out.
I was naive enough to wonder as to whether it was love or lust,
But intuitive enough to know the difference.
And I wasn't sure until he put his hands on me.
It was then that I was certain, as soon as I felt the world around me
melt away into nothingness,
A plethora of indistinguishable colors both dull and bright as they ran together.
It was in this world that I discovered myself,
Wrapped in the embrace of an individual who would prove otherworldly.
I spent what felt like years in the middle of a dream,
Swept up in a fantasy that my heart allowed my head to believe,
Although I'd always had my doubts.
But eventually, as all good things do, these colors faded,
And I was left in a blackness whose depths knew no end,
With nothing to do but wonder where I could have gone wrong.
And it all came down to this:
A final farewell betwixt two supposed lovers,
Where there would be naught but asperity left in their wake.
And still I waited,
In the hopes that there was something I could do.
I silently wished that there was something else.
Something lost between the lines,
Perhaps so infinitesimal that I had not yet caught it.
I would have searched your face, if I could see it still.
If only you would let me in.
How Do I Love You?
I asked you, “Do you love me?”
But you won’t look at me.
You said, “Why do you ask me this?
How can I make you see?”
I shrugged, defeated, and quite forlorn,
Prepared to hear the worst,
Until I felt you kiss my cheek
And all my fear dispersed.
“My love,” you say, then smile,
And look into my eyes.
“There are not words enough to say
how much you’ve changed my life.”
I smile, then, triumphant,
But dying to hear more,
“What do you mean?” I ask,
“What are you smiling for?”
You laugh at my naivety,
And I blush with much chagrin.
“My dear,” you coo, “my darling,
Where do I begin?
I love you in the morning,
I love you late at night.
I love you when we’re happy,
And when we’ve had a fight.
I love you when it’s cold outside,
I love to keep you warm.
I love you when the sun is near,
And I love you when it storms.
I love you when you’re next to me,
And when you’re far away.
I love you when you talk to me,
And when you don’t know what to say.
I love you when your hair’s a mess,
I love you when you sleep.
I love you when you smile,
And I love you when you weep.
I love you more than there are words,
More than the flower loves the rain,
And if you ask me every day,
My answer is the same.
So next time when you wonder,
Please don’t wander far.
My heart would break if I am kept
Too far from where you are.
But you won’t look at me.
You said, “Why do you ask me this?
How can I make you see?”
I shrugged, defeated, and quite forlorn,
Prepared to hear the worst,
Until I felt you kiss my cheek
And all my fear dispersed.
“My love,” you say, then smile,
And look into my eyes.
“There are not words enough to say
how much you’ve changed my life.”
I smile, then, triumphant,
But dying to hear more,
“What do you mean?” I ask,
“What are you smiling for?”
You laugh at my naivety,
And I blush with much chagrin.
“My dear,” you coo, “my darling,
Where do I begin?
I love you in the morning,
I love you late at night.
I love you when we’re happy,
And when we’ve had a fight.
I love you when it’s cold outside,
I love to keep you warm.
I love you when the sun is near,
And I love you when it storms.
I love you when you’re next to me,
And when you’re far away.
I love you when you talk to me,
And when you don’t know what to say.
I love you when your hair’s a mess,
I love you when you sleep.
I love you when you smile,
And I love you when you weep.
I love you more than there are words,
More than the flower loves the rain,
And if you ask me every day,
My answer is the same.
So next time when you wonder,
Please don’t wander far.
My heart would break if I am kept
Too far from where you are.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Dear High School Baseball Coach
Dear High School Baseball Coach,
Remember when you tossed me out of “your” field? Remember when you said I wouldn’t amount to anything? Remember, when you said I didn’t have the heart and drive to be successful? Remember? Well I do, those words to this day are still in my head. At that time, I was just a 16 year old dreamer, but also a realistic individual. I knew that playing ball was not going to get me anywhere and so did you. I was not lazy as you said I was, but now I know, you just wanted to push me out of my comfort zone. I was not a pleaser, and you actually like that about me. I didn't attend your morning practice sessions because instead I was studying my ass off and you never questioned me. You secretly knew but pretended not to know that after practice I had to wait an hour to take a bus back home or had to wait for my father to pick me up. You knew we were going to lose against teams like Palos Verdes but wanted to open up our eyes and see outside of our little hood called Bell Gardens.
I wasn’t great, I could even say that I sucked but one thing I can say is I always gave it my all. Those guys who worked their hardest, were the bench players, never complained, kept their head up and worked the same way a starter would. Have you ever thought how that championship freshman team fared out in the real world? In the real world those bench players are now your all stars. Now I know you knew that all along from Day 1.
I wish that one day I have the opportunity to coach a team the way you did. I wouldn’t care how we did (but I would pretend I would). I would like to open eyes to the future just the way you did, through their passion for the sport I would want them to learn perseverance and mental toughness.
To those bench players, the ones sitting in the sidelines, you are the most important part of the team, never ever give up and don’t be afraid to speak up. To those all-stars, never ever bring down your other teammates for not being as gifted, instead use that gift to teach and listen.
To my high school baseball coach, I don’t have any grudges nor dislike you. In fact, now that I am 23 years old I want to thank you for saying all those things because it serve as motivation! To this date, when I work out or have a difficult task ahead of me , I think about the negative things Coach Perez would be yelling at me and I get to inspired to try my hardest.
Remember when you tossed me out of “your” field? Remember when you said I wouldn’t amount to anything? Remember, when you said I didn’t have the heart and drive to be successful? Remember? Well I do, those words to this day are still in my head. At that time, I was just a 16 year old dreamer, but also a realistic individual. I knew that playing ball was not going to get me anywhere and so did you. I was not lazy as you said I was, but now I know, you just wanted to push me out of my comfort zone. I was not a pleaser, and you actually like that about me. I didn't attend your morning practice sessions because instead I was studying my ass off and you never questioned me. You secretly knew but pretended not to know that after practice I had to wait an hour to take a bus back home or had to wait for my father to pick me up. You knew we were going to lose against teams like Palos Verdes but wanted to open up our eyes and see outside of our little hood called Bell Gardens.
I wasn’t great, I could even say that I sucked but one thing I can say is I always gave it my all. Those guys who worked their hardest, were the bench players, never complained, kept their head up and worked the same way a starter would. Have you ever thought how that championship freshman team fared out in the real world? In the real world those bench players are now your all stars. Now I know you knew that all along from Day 1.
I wish that one day I have the opportunity to coach a team the way you did. I wouldn’t care how we did (but I would pretend I would). I would like to open eyes to the future just the way you did, through their passion for the sport I would want them to learn perseverance and mental toughness.
To those bench players, the ones sitting in the sidelines, you are the most important part of the team, never ever give up and don’t be afraid to speak up. To those all-stars, never ever bring down your other teammates for not being as gifted, instead use that gift to teach and listen.
To my high school baseball coach, I don’t have any grudges nor dislike you. In fact, now that I am 23 years old I want to thank you for saying all those things because it serve as motivation! To this date, when I work out or have a difficult task ahead of me , I think about the negative things Coach Perez would be yelling at me and I get to inspired to try my hardest.
The Hereafter
We rested in silence and reveled in our victory,
Hand-in-hand and chest-to-chest,
Mouth-to-mouth and gasping for breath,
As though all the life had bled from us in this instant and we had disintegrated into one.
Hand-in-hand and chest-to-chest,
Mouth-to-mouth and gasping for breath,
As though all the life had bled from us in this instant and we had disintegrated into one.
And we smiled to ourselves in this infinite glory;
All was as it should be for the most transient of moments.
I could feel your heartbeat ringing in my ears like the sweetest anthem,
And I was certain I would sell my soul to ensure that yours would be the only tune I'd ever hear;
That your eyes would be the only windows I'd ever peer into,
And that in them I would discover everything I'd ever need,
In much the same way that I had discovered you.
I have waited my entire life to feel this way,
Both overwhelmed and subdued,
Frenzied and composed.
For months I have prayed for this conclusion;
To be swept up and carried away with you,
Undisturbed and liberated.
You are the moon of my night;
The brightest star in the darkest corner of Heaven,
Where we have made our sanctuary,
Covert and serene so that none might see,
Where I can loll in the safety of your arms until I have tired of it,
Which will be no time soon.
We swam in the incalescence our bodies left behind,
Sweating and stinking of that which had previously been forbidden;
I have sampled this most deadly fruit and I am smitten,
Ready to give it all up so that I can taste you for eternity.
All was as it should be for the most transient of moments.
I could feel your heartbeat ringing in my ears like the sweetest anthem,
And I was certain I would sell my soul to ensure that yours would be the only tune I'd ever hear;
That your eyes would be the only windows I'd ever peer into,
And that in them I would discover everything I'd ever need,
In much the same way that I had discovered you.
I have waited my entire life to feel this way,
Both overwhelmed and subdued,
Frenzied and composed.
For months I have prayed for this conclusion;
To be swept up and carried away with you,
Undisturbed and liberated.
You are the moon of my night;
The brightest star in the darkest corner of Heaven,
Where we have made our sanctuary,
Covert and serene so that none might see,
Where I can loll in the safety of your arms until I have tired of it,
Which will be no time soon.
We swam in the incalescence our bodies left behind,
Sweating and stinking of that which had previously been forbidden;
I have sampled this most deadly fruit and I am smitten,
Ready to give it all up so that I can taste you for eternity.
Monday, January 5, 2015
Dreaming for yourself.
"You know you're cousin from Lake Tahoe..he is an engineer...and his brother is an architect building stores all around there...even their little sister is on her path to becoming a doctor.."
"Every persons life is different" I told him as I could see the disappointment in his eyes.. "I will not follow anyone's path but my own". A long time ago...what seems like a century.. I was in a very serious relationship with a girl I thought I would be building a family with..She taught me so much about myself, but one thing that really stuck to me was to never compare yourself to anyone...I used to see it as normal, but many things I grew up around formed those false beliefs and acceptance of the dangerously low self-esteem I carried..."Don't ever compare yourself to anyone Sam...everyone goes through different things in their lives..no-one is perfect, don't allow people to tell you how to live you're life.". Her words echoed in my mind as I spoke to him about where I stand in life...Her guidance and genuine help manifested in my life through accomplishments I have made and the path I currently pursue.
I have realized I am a dreamer...and my path will not be found in anyone's shadow...people will never be satisfied with how much you have surpassed or the what you have completed in you're life...The only expectations that I live by are my own..So if you're a dreamer too..please dream for yourself.
"Every persons life is different" I told him as I could see the disappointment in his eyes.. "I will not follow anyone's path but my own". A long time ago...what seems like a century.. I was in a very serious relationship with a girl I thought I would be building a family with..She taught me so much about myself, but one thing that really stuck to me was to never compare yourself to anyone...I used to see it as normal, but many things I grew up around formed those false beliefs and acceptance of the dangerously low self-esteem I carried..."Don't ever compare yourself to anyone Sam...everyone goes through different things in their lives..no-one is perfect, don't allow people to tell you how to live you're life.". Her words echoed in my mind as I spoke to him about where I stand in life...Her guidance and genuine help manifested in my life through accomplishments I have made and the path I currently pursue.
I have realized I am a dreamer...and my path will not be found in anyone's shadow...people will never be satisfied with how much you have surpassed or the what you have completed in you're life...The only expectations that I live by are my own..So if you're a dreamer too..please dream for yourself.
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